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How Exactly Do I Get Back With My Ex?

The FLAME Strategy

Welp, it happened. The bomb was dropped. It still doesn’t feel real yet. You’re at work scavenging the internet for self-help posts and strategies on how to get your ex back, delving deep into Reddit and online coaching programs that promise one trick to get him or her back. Somewhere in your head, you’re trying to rationalize it all, promising yourself that it’s not over and it’s just a phase. Every relationship has its ups and downs, right? Doesn’t every couple break up at least 3 or 4 times before they get happily married? This will blow over quickly and I’ll have my lover back in no time! Or what if they are actually gone for good never to be a part of your life again, oh my God what have I done? Before going into panic mode, let’s take a look at a strategy and answer the age-old question of How Exactly Do I Get Back With My Ex?

These were the exact thoughts going through my brain after my first breakup when I was just a naive teenager back in 2015, and now in 2023, I can say bad habits die hard. I’m going to walk you through today how to exactly to get back with your Ex with an easy-to-remember acronym I created called FLAME:

FOCUS ON YOURSELF

LEARN FROM THE PAST

ASSESS COMPATIBILITY

MEND BRIDGES

EMBRACE NEW BEGINNINGS

Focus on Yourself

After a breakup, it’s natural to focus on what went wrong and how to fix it. However, the first step to getting your ex back is focusing on yourself. Take this time to engage in self-care, rediscover your passions, and nurture your personal growth. Not only will this improve your confidence and self-worth, but it will also make you more attractive to your ex. Remember, you are not defined solely by your relationship; invest in yourself and become the best version of yourself.

After a breakup, the urge to fix things and regain what was lost can be overwhelming. However, diving straight into that mindset may not be the healthiest approach. Instead, take a step back and shift your focus inward. The first letter of the FLAME strategy stands for “Focus on Yourself,” and it’s a crucial starting point for the journey to win back your ex.

  1. Rediscover Your Identity: During a relationship, it’s common for our identities to become intertwined with our partners. Now is the perfect time to rediscover who you are as an individual. Reconnect with your interests, hobbies, and passions that may have taken a backseat during the relationship. Engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment will not only help you heal but also make you more attractive to your ex, as they’ll see the confident and independent person they fell in love with.
  2. Embrace Self-Care: A breakup can leave you emotionally drained and mentally exhausted. Self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for your well-being. Make time for activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Whether it’s spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness, or pampering yourself with a spa day, prioritize self-care to recharge and regain emotional balance.
  3. Set Goals for Personal Growth: Use this period as an opportunity for self-improvement. Set realistic and achievable goals for yourself, both personally and professionally. Whether it’s learning a new skill, pursuing higher education, or aiming for a promotion at work, working towards tangible goals will give you a sense of purpose and direction.
  4. Limit Social Media Exposure: In the digital age, we often find ourselves comparing our lives to carefully curated images on social media. Limit your exposure to social media during this period to avoid unnecessary comparisons and added stress. Focus on your own journey and progress, rather than trying to keep up with others.
  5. Seek Professional Help: If the breakup has left you feeling overwhelmed or struggling with your emotions, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Speaking with a therapist or counselor can provide you with valuable insights, coping mechanisms, and emotional support as you navigate through this difficult phase.

Learn From The Past

It’s crucial to learn from past mistakes and patterns in the relationship. Reflect on the reasons for the breakup without dwelling on blame or guilt. Identify areas where both of you could have improved and grown. Recognizing your shortcomings and being willing to change is a powerful way to demonstrate growth and maturity. Honest self-awareness is key to building a stronger foundation for the future.

The second letter of the FLAME strategy, “Learn from the Past,” delves into the importance of introspection and understanding the dynamics of your previous relationship. While it may be tempting to bury painful memories, acknowledging and learning from them can pave the way for growth and positive change.

  1. Reflect on the Breakup: Take the time to process the emotions surrounding the breakup. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you had envisioned. Avoid suppressing your feelings, as emotional healing requires acknowledging and accepting them. Journaling can be a therapeutic tool during this process, helping you gain insights into your emotions and thought patterns.
  2. Identify Communication Breakdowns: Communication is the cornerstone of any successful relationship. Reflect on the communication patterns in your past relationship. Were there misunderstandings or miscommunications that escalated into conflicts? Identifying these breakdowns will help you work on more effective communication in the future.
  3. Recognize Patterns and Triggers: Patterns tend to repeat themselves in relationships. Analyze any recurring issues or conflicts that contributed to the breakup. Identifying these patterns will enable you to address them constructively, preventing them from resurfacing in future relationships.
  4. Take Responsibility for Your Actions: It takes two to tango, as the saying goes. Acknowledge your role in the breakup and take responsibility for any mistakes you made. This level of self-awareness demonstrates maturity and a willingness to learn and grow.
  5. Avoid the Blame Game: Blaming yourself or your ex endlessly will not lead to productive solutions. Instead, try to understand the underlying issues and circumstances that contributed to the breakup. Let go of resentment and focus on constructive solutions.

Assess Compatibility

Compatibility is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. Use this time to honestly evaluate your compatibility with your ex. Are your values and life goals aligned? Do you communicate effectively and understand each other’s needs? Assessing compatibility will help you determine if the relationship has a strong potential for long-term success. Remember, it’s okay to let go if fundamental differences persist.

  1. Values and Beliefs: Assess how closely your values and beliefs align with your ex-partner’s. Are your core principles and moral compasses in sync? Shared values create a strong foundation for mutual understanding and support, whereas conflicting values can lead to constant disagreements and dissatisfaction.
  2. Life Goals and Aspirations: Evaluate whether you and your ex have similar long-term goals and aspirations. Do your visions for the future complement each other, or are there fundamental differences? Having compatible life goals is essential for navigating life’s journey as a team.
  3. Communication Styles: Effective communication is key to resolving conflicts and fostering intimacy. Reflect on your communication styles and how well they mesh with your exes. Do you both feel heard and understood during conversations or do you often struggle to communicate openly?
  4. Emotional Connection: Emotional intimacy is vital in any relationship. Consider the depth of emotional connection you shared with your ex. Were you both emotionally available and supportive or did emotional barriers hinder your closeness?
  5. Conflict Resolution: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it’s essential to handle it constructively. Assess how conflicts were managed in your past relationship. Did you both approach disagreements with empathy and a willingness to find solutions, or did conflicts escalate into harmful arguments?

Mend Bridges

Communication is vital during the process of reconciliation. Once you’ve had time to focus on yourself and understand the past, reach out to your ex for an open and honest conversation. Avoid placing blame or being defensive; instead, express your feelings and intentions sincerely. Acknowledge your role in the breakup, and be open to hearing their perspective. Mending bridges requires humility, empathy, and patience.

“Mend Bridges” is the fourth step in the FLAME strategy, focusing on rebuilding the lines of communication and understanding between you and your ex. Mending bridges is not about erasing the past but acknowledging it, finding closure, and creating a path toward a healthier relationship.

  1. Take Time for Self-Reflection: Before reaching out to your ex, take some time for self-reflection. Assess your feelings, motivations, and expectations. Understand your role in the breakup and the areas where you could have done better. This self-awareness will help you approach the conversation with a mature and open mindset.
  2. Start with a Friendly Approach: When you’re ready, initiate contact with a friendly and casual message. Avoid diving into deep emotional discussions right away; instead, focus on reconnecting as friends. Let your ex know that you value the good times you shared and appreciate the positive aspects of the relationship.
  3. Acknowledge Past Mistakes: Be willing to acknowledge any mistakes you made during the relationship. A sincere apology can go a long way in mending bridges. Avoid placing blame or pointing fingers; instead, take responsibility for your actions and express genuine remorse for any hurt caused.
  4. Practice Empathy and Understanding: During your conversation, listen actively to your ex’s feelings and perspectives. Be empathetic and try to understand their point of view, even if it differs from yours. Avoid being defensive and instead, focus on creating a safe and supportive environment for open communication.
  5. Address Unresolved Issues: If there are unresolved issues from the past, address them calmly and constructively. Discuss how those issues affected the relationship and explore possible solutions or compromises. Avoid rehashing old arguments or dwelling on past hurts; the goal is to find closure and move forward.

Embrace New Beginnings

As you progress through FLAME, be prepared for the possibility of a new beginning. Rekindling the relationship should not be about going back to the way things were but rather starting anew with a stronger foundation. Embrace the changes and growth you both have experienced and be enthusiastic about the potential for a healthier, happier future together.

  1. Accept the Present: Embracing new beginnings requires accepting the reality of the present. Let go of any attachment to how things were or how you wish them to be. Embrace the changes that have occurred, and focus on the potential for growth and happiness in the future.
  2. Practice Forgiveness: Forgiveness is a powerful tool for healing and moving forward. Whether you’re reconciling with your ex or starting anew with someone else, let go of grudges and resentments from the past. Holding onto these negative emotions will only hinder your progress and prevent genuine connection.
  3. Be Open to Change: Embracing new beginnings means being open to change and uncertainty. Recognize that life is a continuous journey of growth, and be willing to adapt and evolve as circumstances shift.
  4. Set New Relationship Goals: If you’re rekindling a relationship with your ex, set new relationship goals together. Learn from the past and identify areas for improvement. Discuss the vision you both have for the future and the steps you’ll take to create a healthier and happier partnership.
  5. Communicate Your Desires: Whether it’s with your ex or a new potential partner, communicate your desires and intentions openly. Be clear about what you’re looking for in a relationship and what you’re willing to give. Honest communication fosters mutual understanding and connection.

Bonus Section: Celebrate Your Growth

In the process of FLAME and getting your Ex back, I urge you to rediscover the joy and living in the present with your ex as a celebration of growth for both yourself and them. Embrace the opportunity to have fun again as you reconnect. Let go of past burdens and focus on the positive changes that have occurred in both of your lives. Take the time to appreciate each other’s personal development, acknowledging the progress you’ve made individually and as a couple. Enjoy the present moment and the journey of rediscovering your connection, knowing that growth and happiness are at the heart of your renewed relationship.

The FLAME strategy is a proven approach to rekindling love after a breakup. By focusing on yourself, learning from the past, assessing compatibility, mending bridges, and embracing new beginnings, you pave the way to reigniting the flame with your ex. Remember, the journey may not be easy, but the growth and self-discovery along the way are invaluable. Take your time, be patient, and trust in the power of FLAME to guide you back to a loving and fulfilling relationship.

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